Let's Discuss Vin Diesel

Yes, let's.

Vin Diesel sucks. Vin Diesel sucks so hard that he puts vacuum cleaners and crackwhores to shame. He's a big stupid bald neanderthal with an annoying voice and the acting ability of a spongecake. He has all the charisma and charm of a limp penis, and the sex appeal of that guy who can't ever leave his bedroom because he weighs 1400 pounds, and when he finally has to leave because they need to do surgery on him they have to tear off the roof of his house and lift him out with a crane.

He calls himself Vin Diesel. If there's ever been a more lame human being on the planet than one who adopts the surname Diesel, I'd like to meet him. It sounds like the kind of name porno actors in those really bad, kept-behind-the-counter XXX flicks with like big fat women and midgets and stuff use. What, were you like a shrimpy kid or something who got beat up by girls and the guys who rode the short bus? Did you get high huffing diesel as a teenager and thought it would be nostalgic? Or maybe you just like hanging out in truck stop parking lots in between movie shoots. Do you find truckers sexy Vin?

Now he's in some movie where he looks after kids in order to protect them. It was seeing a commercial for this movie that enraged me enough to actually make its horrible pseudostar the topic of my first rant. Being in a movie that's been done before is one thing. Being in a movie that Hulk Hogan!?! has done before is retarded. Not that Hulk Hogan isn't cool (unlike Vin Diesel). I was a total Hulkamaniac when I was a kid, and was devastated when I attended Wrestlemania VI at the SkyDome only to see him lose his belt to the Ultimate Warrior. But dude, when you rip off the plot to Mr. Nanny, you're scraping so far below the bottom of the barrel that the bottom of the barrel looks like a cathedral ceiling to you. And the movie has a duck that bites him. While I love seeing him get bit by a duck (although a bird with a less rounded beak would have been preferable), who the fuck has a pet duck? And you just know that by the end he's going to end up like quitting the military or wherever and opening up his own daycare centre or something equally stupid. If someone put a gun to my head and said "go see this movie or I will shoot you in the face," I would probably go see it. But that's what it would take. The whole time I'd be tempted to gouge out my eyeballs and pour that yellow fake butter shit they use at movie theatres into my eye sockets in the hope that something that chemically artificial would cause sufficient brain damage to allow me to enjoy the audio I'd still be hearing.

I could make this an indictment of Hollywood and the shit it produces, but fuck that. I enjoy a good blood-and-guts, stupid plot, mindless dialogue, turn-off-my-brain action movie as much as anyone. But I hope Vin Diesel catches syphilis from an elephant. C'est fini.